Yoga Tales from Rural Maine: Gratitude

Recently, in one of my children's yoga classes at Acadia Hospital, our theme for the class was gratitude. I taught the children that when we focus on feelings of thankfulness, we tend to feel more relaxed, more happy, more present, more well. Gratitude raises our vibration. We sat in a circle on our mats and when it was his or her turn, each child held Share Bear and shared something for which they were grateful.

All of the children in this class were between the ages of 7-10. The girls were all thankful for their homes, their families, or their pets. The boys were all thankful for members of their families who are serving their country as soldiers. Except for one little boy who was deeply and vibrantly grateful that he had recently been taught how to sing "Jimmy Crack Corn." :-)

If you want to support this work we are doing at Acadia Hospital, watch the Children's Miracle Network telethon on WABI on Saturday morning April 2nd. (Or you can also ask me how to donate more privately or more directly.)

Namaste! (And may you learn a new song today, for which you feel deeply and vibrantly grateful.) :-)

[NOTE: None of the children in this photo are patients at Acadia. For privacy reasons, of course I can't share any images of them with you. But the sweetness and light in this private yoga birthday party for Little Naomi (which is shared by permission) captures what goes on for us on our mats at Acadia, although in a less sunshiney environment.]

Tales from Rural Maine: We are bigger than we think we are

March 30, 2016

Last year, around this time, I stood in this open-air room overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Costa Rica and I wept. I had become overheated, drained and worn out and was unable to attend my surf lesson earlier in the day. In my mind, I believed that if I couldn't make my body do every single thing I wanted to do in Costa Rica--especially take this surf lesson--then it would mean my condition had gotten the better of me and I would be a failure.

My teacher Jillian Pransky talked with me gently about how untrue this was. She said to me, "You are bigger than you think you are."

And then, we practiced.

I came home from Costa Rica and I wrote in my journal, "What if I am bigger than I think I am?"

And then, I practiced.

I practiced every day. I practiced loving and accepting myself; I practiced noticing that I am bigger on the inside; I practiced noticing that I am full of vast, untapped potential; I practiced trusting that I am full of great big beauty; I practiced knowing that I am so much more--so very much more--than my mind's most limited stories can imagine. I practiced being kind.

This year, while my beautiful friends and my teacher returned to Blue Spirit to practice together, I stayed home...to continue the work I began in January of becoming a bona fide interior firefighter. That dream (interior firefighter) seemed far away and very nearly impossible last year. It was a tiny speck on the horizon of a distant shore. I saw myself as too weak, too frightened, too tired, too old, too heavy, too small, too inadequate, too feminine, too sick to even really allow myself to fully dream of such a thing.

But then I went to Costa Rica. And I began to wonder..."What if I am *bigger* than I think I am?"

You can talk yourself into your dreams, or you can talk yourself out of them.

This weekend, I will enter my fourth month of Fire Academy training. It was hell for me from the get-go. But it's getting better. I'm getting better. I have more confidence, more self-respect, more fire! And for the first time since I began, I am not afraid. (Which is lucky, because I will be facing the biggest fire I will probably ever see in my life on Sunday.)

And it all began when I sat right there, on the far side of this open air room in Costa Rica and I listened when my teacher said, "You are bigger than you think you are."

I am bigger than I think I am. I am more capable and courageous and kind and full of light than I ever thought I could be. I am bigger than I think I am.

And so are you.

#changedbytravel

Fire Fighting Tales from Rural Maine: Why

April 18, 2016

I've had some demons to face at Fire Academy, not the least of which were my own low opinion of my self and my overwhelming fear of confined spaces.

We returned to our Class A burn site on Saturday for what was one of the most physically grueling experiences of my entire life. I spent a lot of the day wondering why (why-in-God's-name, why?!) was I doing this. I didn't think I could possibly climb or carry one more ladder, swing one more axe, do one more evolution. I just couldn't. And it wasn't even lunch time yet.

But in each moment when I felt like I couldn't, this girl showed up--this girl who is me!--and she waited until I'd finished thinking, "I can't..." and then she stepped into the quiet, tired space inside me and she said, "Yes. Yes, you can. I *know* you can."

And so I did.

I swung a sledgehammer at a concrete wall in full gear wearing a pack in 65 degree direct sun; I used a chainsaw; I climbed and hammered and swung and carried and crawled and I *worked*. And when it came time for my exhausted body to smash through walls with urgency and climb through spaces that were too small for me, I took off my pack (the right way, left side so you can keep breathing) and I passed it through, and I took off my helmet and I passed it through, and I smooshed my firefighter body through each and every hole. They held us down. They set off alarms. They hollered and threw debris and bodies on top of us.

And I got through. My whole company got through.

When my panic swept up like a tsunami, I took a deep breath and dove under it. I got through and I did not cry.

I got through!

And at the end of that day, stinking, bedraggled, bruised, and exhausted, you could not have wiped the shit-eating grin (as my Chief calls it) off my face.

And this is why I do Fire Academy. :-)

In a feat of mighty, mighty fortitude the cadets (and some instructors) of Hancock County Fire Academy spent alllllll day taking turns smashing a concrete wall (10" thick? reinforced with rebar). And you know what? We did it! By the end of the day, that hole was big enough for Marcus Tweedie and a whole company of fire fighters to climb through. This is me during my turn.

I posted this (above) on Facebook, and here's what my Chief said, in response: "I've been having a little difficulty putting this into words, but here goes. Many times speaking with women in particular about volunteering for the fire department, most have some of the same doubts that Naomi did. Few take the first step to see what it's about and what they might have to offer. We don't use force, shame or push them into becoming more than they are capable of. We may offer some encouragement to do more than they think they are capable of. We try to find a job they are comfortable with and give them the support to do it well. All of our jobs are important, some may seem a little more glamorous than others. Sometimes a member will get an interest to do just a little more or want to learn new skills outside of their comfort zone for too many reasons to list. You just never know how much more you want to be involved until you are part of a volunteer department. You watch and learn, and find that "I think I would like to do that". Here is a firefighter who started her journey as a somewhat shy, timid and tentative new member who had many reservations but wanted to drive a fire truck. She found herself in situations beyond her comfort zone and didn't back away. Now she's on the tail end of a mentally and physically exhausting training academy to face the very thing she said she was frightened of, fire. Three years ago I wouldn't have imagined this is where she'd be. Quite the opposite actually. Now we look forward to having yet another qualified interior firefighter in our ranks. Take a chance, see what you can be capable of finding inside yourself by volunteering with your local fire department. Your story might not be as glamorous but your community will benefit none the less."

Fire Fighting Tales from Rural Maine: Why

April 18, 2016

I've had some demons to face at Fire Academy, not the least of which were my own low opinion of my self and my overwhelming fear of confined spaces.

We returned to our Class A burn site on Saturday for what was one of the most physically grueling experiences of my entire life. I spent a lot of the day wondering why (why-in-God's-name, why?!) was I doing this. I didn't think I could possibly climb or carry one more ladder, swing one more axe, do one more evolution. I just couldn't. And it wasn't even lunch time yet.

But in each moment when I felt like I couldn't, this girl showed up--this girl who is me!--and she waited until I'd finished thinking, "I can't..." and then she stepped into the quiet, tired space inside me and she said, "Yes. Yes, you can. I *know* you can."

And so I did.

I swung a sledgehammer at a concrete wall in full gear wearing a pack in 65 degree direct sun; I used a chainsaw; I climbed and hammered and swung and carried and crawled and I *worked*. And when it came time for my exhausted body to smash through walls with urgency and climb through spaces that were too small for me, I took off my pack (the right way, left side so you can keep breathing) and I passed it through, and I took off my helmet and I passed it through, and I smooshed my firefighter body through each and every hole. They held us down. They set off alarms. They hollered and threw debris and bodies on top of us.

And I got through. My whole company got through.

When my panic swept up like a tsunami, I took a deep breath and dove under it. I got through and I did not cry.

I got through!

And at the end of that day, stinking, bedraggled, bruised, and exhausted, you could not have wiped the shit-eating grin (as my Chief calls it) off my face.

And this is why I do Fire Academy. :-)

I posted this (above) on Facebook, and here's what my Chief said, in response: "I've been having a little difficulty putting this into words, but here goes. Many times speaking with women in particular about volunteering for the fire department, most have some of the same doubts that Naomi did. Few take the first step to see what it's about and what they might have to offer. We don't use force, shame or push them into becoming more than they are capable of. We may offer some encouragement to do more than they think they are capable of. We try to find a job they are comfortable with and give them the support to do it well. All of our jobs are important, some may seem a little more glamorous than others. Sometimes a member will get an interest to do just a little more or want to learn new skills outside of their comfort zone for too many reasons to list. You just never know how much more you want to be involved until you are part of a volunteer department. You watch and learn, and find that "I think I would like to do that". Here is a firefighter who started her journey as a somewhat shy, timid and tentative new member who had many reservations but wanted to drive a fire truck. She found herself in situations beyond her comfort zone and didn't back away. Now she's on the tail end of a mentally and physically exhausting training academy to face the very thing she said she was frightened of, fire. Three years ago I wouldn't have imagined this is where she'd be. Quite the opposite actually. Now we look forward to having yet another qualified interior firefighter in our ranks. Take a chance, see what you can be capable of finding inside yourself by volunteering with your local fire department. Your story might not be as glamorous but your community will benefit none the less."

Tales from Rural Maine: Time capsule

April 21, 2016

Are you ready for this? One of my yoga students handed me a copy of the Bucksport Free Press...from 1990! It's the graduation special edition featuring, that's right, the Bucksport High School Class of 1990. (Also a story I wrote in my debut as a sports reporter...) She didn't have a child or even a relative in our class, and yet somehow, like some sort of yoga-rific time capsule, she got that issue, held onto it for 26 years (!) and then handed it back to me before yoga class. If that isn't Throwback Thursday-worthy, I don't know what is! #TBT Rock on, Golden Bucks, rock on! "You Can't Touch This!" June 1990. :-) (I still have that watch.)

Tales from Rural Maine: Au revoir, sweet Prince

April 21, 2016

It’s possible that I got drunk on margaritas and listened to this entire album while remembering every good thing that ever happened while listening to Prince and lamenting that he will never make me pancakes. 

Electric word life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here to tell you
There's something else
The after world
A world of never ending happiness
You can always see the sun, day or night

au revoir, sweet #Prince…

Fire Fighting Tales from Rural Maine: I believe you can

May 13, 2016

<<Best. Training. EVER!!!! Sadly, no photos this time, but: first time in structure fire turnout gear, first time running pump truck (yay, physics--thank you Mr. Bradford!), first time riding in tanker truck, first time at pump house, and the crowning glory...first time at the end of a hose!! Screw bungie jumping. You want a thrill? Latch onto the end of a fire hose and lean into a friend. My arms feel like jelly, but I am happy as a clam--a clam that fights fires!>>

Facebook just reminded me that three years ago today, I donned my turnout gear for the first time, went for a ride in our tanker, felt what it's like to send water out of a hose...and apparently, I liked it. (A lot!) :- I suspect this was one of the first appearances of the "shit-eating grin" my chief has come to know me for.

I keep thinking that becoming an interior firefighter came out of left field, but apparently I've been loving it since the very first second.

I keep thinking that that girl--the three-years-ago-living-in-trauma girl--who joined the Orland Fire Department would never believe that I am actually standing here today, a bona fide interior fire fighter with Orland, about to complete Fire Academy and potentially about to become a state certified Fire Fighter I and II.

But...I also know that you don't get what you hope for, you get what you *believe.*

So, at some level, there *must* have been a part of me, even when I was broken and afraid (of everything!), that *believed* this was possible. Isn't that amazing? That underneath all of that life-or-death fear of the daily basics, underneath all of my physical illness, injury, and weakness; underneath all of the trauma; there was a part of me who believed she could rise up and accomplish something that at that moment seemed (to everyone, I'm sure) impossible. (I bet that's the same part of me that got into and through Smith College, when going to college was among the most deeply unlikely things for a girl born into my circumstances to do.)

I was also lucky enough to have a few friendly fire fighters around me, who believed it even better than me. Lt. Dave Sukeforth, chief among them. He was the first to suggest that I should go to the Academy this winter, and the fiercest advocate for getting me in. I have never understood why Dave (or anyone else) thought I could do the Academy...but if Dave hadn't insisted, I'm not sure I ever would have tried. When my own belief was thin on the ground, the belief of others filled in the gaps. If you have a dream my friends, finding and trusting as many pairs of believing eyes as you can manifest is essential. **It's the belief that makes wishes powerful.**

Marcus joined the OFD and sixty days later, he was at the Academy. It took me 2 1/2 years to get to that same starting point, but we did it together. And I think if he hadn't joined the department when he did, I might never have gone. Knowing he would be there made it possible to begin. The timing of his decision to join was a tremendous gift to me. (And when I felt like I might have to quit the Academy because I just couldn't take the abuse any more, he told me that if I had to quit, he would sign up and do the whole thing over again with me, because he knew I could get through.)

But, I didn't quit. I did the opposite of quitting. When faced with a choice between quitting and standing up for myself, I made the radical (for me) choice to stand up for myself and ask for change. Fear + courage = progress.

And now...it's almost over. Tomorrow, the roller coaster reaches its peak and we start zooming down toward the end of fire academy. Two classroom days of haz mat. Followed by two days of OFD obligations (and studying). Then two more days to study as much as possible. Then Friday, another live interior burn, Saturday forestry work (lots of digging in the sun), and Sunday, our grand finale...our Open Day, when we'll run through the practical end test (where we try to remember every single thing we've learned to do)...and then my classmates and teachers will roast some meat for eating...and the next day, Monday, I'll teach at Acadia and then sit for my State FF I & II exam...

...three years and ten days after I (very enthusiastically) first donned my turnout gear. :-)

If you have a dream, listen not to the constant radio chatter of voices broadcasting reasons you can't; especially don't listen to the ones inside your own head. Listen instead to that one faithful voice inside you that says, "Yes. I believe you can."

Fire Fighting Tales from Rural Maine: Never alone

May 24, 2016

Last night, my Hancock County Fire Academy classmates and I sat for the state written exam. If we pass it, we'll be half-way to our Fire Fighter I and II certifications. The second half is a skills test in June. (This does not affect our status as graduates of the Academy; we are all graduating, regardless of the results of the state exams.)

The test is hard. And long. 200 questions in three hours. It can cover anything from our 1100-page textbook, like for instance how much steel expands at certain temperatures or which NFPA standard covers fire fighter training regulations or what you would find in an MC-305 tanker truck or what you should do with the doors on a car while you are displacing the dashboard so you can free an entrapped passenger. (I didn't know the answers to any of those, by the way except that the standard covering training regulations is NFPA 1001. I'm sure that will be incredibly useful in my career as a firefighter :-)).

There were 19 of us sitting for the exam and as each one finished, he or she left the room. When the first people handed in their tests and left, I still wasn't even half-way through the first exam. By the end, there was just me and one other fire fighter slogging through the last part of our Fire Fighter II and watching the clock.

It was nearly 9pm when I finished. I'd had a long day and a long week and a long six months. And it was a little bit of a lonely feeling to know that I was going to walk out of that exam that we'd been working toward for six months, and there would be no one waiting for me, to say "How did it go!" or "We did it! Let's get a drink!"

I hung around in the exam room, darkening the circles in my bubble answer sheet for a while, so that my classmate wouldn't be all alone in there as he worked on finishing. But eventually, after going over and over all those bubbles, I started to get very anxious. Like I wanted to take the whole test out and start over, but there were only fifteen minutes left! So I decided to call it...and leave. My classmate and I gave each other a big smile and a thumbs up and I decided I'd go down to the fire bay and wait in the quiet darkness for him to finish, so at least he wouldn't be alone when he came out.

I walked down over the stairs and I had this little pang of sadness, to be second to last and all alone...and then, I caught a glimpse of my lead instructor standing between the trucks, in front of the open fire bay doors. Of course, he would still be there, I realized. He wouldn't leave us alone. But I wished that everyone else was there, too. So we could celebrate and share and mark the moment. But I also understood why people wouldn't want to hang around after they'd finished. Some of them had finished almost two hours before me.

When I rounded the corner, I saw that I was wrong to imagine I was alone. Almost every single member of my 19-person class was standing there, smiling, waiting for me and Jeff to finish our exams. My face lit up when I caught sight of them. I was not alone. I was never alone. I only imagined that I was. If there is one true thing that Fire Academy has taught us, it is this: we never do anything alone.

Tales from Rural Maine: The Auntie Brigade

There are some things in life that bring me joy. (Lots and lots of things!) Teaching yoga. Practicing yoga with a kind and illuminated teacher. Serving as a fire fighter. Training as a fire fighter. These things top the list. But among the other, most extraordinarily powerful things that bring me joy, is the opportunity to give unconditional love to children.

I am lucky enough to have people in my life who are willing to share their children with me. To allow me, sometimes professionally and sometimes simply as a friend, to love the socks off their children. They let me play and listen and comfort; they allow me to share in meal times and bed times and holidays. We play at the fire department. We play at home. We enjoy one another and take good care. We are enthusiastic in our warmth and appreciation.

It has often seemed such a cruel twist of this particular life's fate that someone with such a virtually limitless capacity for love and loving kindness and nurturing and patience and joy has no surviving children of her own.

But, there is also this beautiful side to that. I am part of what Liz Gilbert calls "The Auntie Brigade."

"Even within my own community, I can see where I have been vital sometimes as a member of the Auntie Brigade," she writes. "My job is not merely to spoil and indulge my niece and nephew (though I do take that assignment to heart) but also to be a roving auntie to the world – an ambassador auntie –who is on hand wherever help is needed, in anybody’s family whatsoever. There are people I’ve been able to help, sometimes fully supporting them for years, because I am not obliged, as a mother would be obliged, to put all my energies and resources into the full-time rearing of a child."

Last night, when my friend Kathleen handed her fussy toddler to me near bedtime, he felt upset. There was also a nearly five-year-old bouncing around, avoiding sleep. As his mother left the room to go make up my bed for me, nearly five-year-old daughter tagging along behind, Graeme and I were left alone. I held his warm little self, fresh from the bath, wearing only a diaper, and he reached out his arms after his mother, disappearing down the hallway. "Ma-ma!," he said. Distress building in his face, in his voice, in his body. "Ma-ma!"

I softened into his upset, holding him gently, and I murmured, "Graeme...let's go find the moon..." As soon as I said the words, his body relaxed into mine. He got quiet and rested his sweet little head on my chest. I walked to the window and looked out into the night. I rocked gently, tenderly, and his breathing slowed and softened. His eyelids got heavy. Softly, steadily, he fell asleep.

I stood there for a long time--an Auntie, tired, back aching, but available completely--happily rocking, holding that beloved little boy...and looking for the moon.

Tales from Rural Maine: Sleep tight, little squash bee

"Male squash bees sometimes sleep inside the blossoms in hopes of encountering a female." Aww...I am totally picturing a sleepy, amorous squash bee waking up each morning after a cold night alone in his squash blossom hoping that today will be the day that he encounters a friendly lady bee. (Source of quote: Mother Earth News)

:-) I still feel totally inspired by male squash bees. If I had talent as a visual artist, I would totally illustrate this so sweetly and cleverly. Oh, wait. I can write? Maybe I'll write a story about this and then someone wonderful can illustrate that. Sleep tight, little squash bee. I hope you find love in the morning...

Yoga Tales from Rural Maine: Gratitude

If you are in the habit of practicing gratitude--saying "thank you," counting blessings, being aware of all your gifts and all of the good and beautiful things happening in the world today and feeling the warm sensation of gratitude in your body (a daily I practice I highly recommend!)--then here's one more thing to add to your list: Starting this Thursday night, the inpatient children at Acadia Hospital (the little kids who spend their days and nights in a mental hospital) will get to have Yoga with Naomi at bedtime!

Thanks to generous support from the Children's Miracle Network and the guiding lights at Acadia Hospital, including most especially Nichole Wrightwhose beautiful mind and heart work on our behalf in philanthropy, these children will hear my voice and have my love and move gently in their bodies before bedtime once every other week.

My hope is that they will find their way to comfort and peace; that they will learn self-soothing skills and ways to find a sense of safety and well-being, even amidst the things in their lives that are scary and hard, and in an environment that isn't home. Yoga helps us to find a safe home within ourselves, even when the the world outside is painful.

I offer my thanks to Nichole and to everyone at Acadia who is helping to make yoga part of mental health care for children and adults.

What started two years ago as a pilot program with outpatient kids and teens, has now grown to include a women's trauma group, and now the inpatient kids. I don't get to see them often, but I get to see them, and that's what matters; a little love/yoga can go a long way.

Om shanti, my friends. Add this to your gratitude list and know that the more we focus on what is good, the more good things expand. The next time you're freaking out about violence in the world or bonkers presidential candidates or whatever else absorbs your fear, invite your mind to remember that there is goodness growing through yoga like a flower in pavement, and the more you notice what's good, the more what's good can grow. Find the cracks, plant your seeds, and put your mind where gratitude thrives. And think of us up there at Acadia Hospital breathing our breaths, singing our OMs, finding our smiles, and tucking ourselves in.

Namaste

Yoga Tales from Rural Maine: Sweet dreams

One hour from now, some of the kids who are living at Acadia Hospital in Bangor (ages 4-12) will have their very first bedtime Yoga with Naomi. There will be sleep magic (pixie dust and lavender spray); there will be stickers and singing and stuffed animals to love and snuggle; there will be yoga mats and yoga blankets and snow globes that sparkle and settle down as you watch them in stillness; there will be coloring and movement and someone who smiles at you no matter what, sincerely, with lovingkindness and enormous patience and joy to be in your presence. And every child will get their very own hand-made-with-love lavender-scented eye pillow to keep. These are the last of the 50+ eye pillows that Jill Chouinard and Roxanne Jobe and @Martha made for my kids. The crayons were a gift from a friend. The story I will read them was a gift from Linda Sharkey. The mats and blankets are made possible by the hard philanthropic work of Nichole Wright. And she hand-made our sparkly meditation snow globes. There are legions of strangers sending love to these children through me. I am just the vessel. And I thank you, all of you, who wish us well each week and allow me to transport your lovingkindness to these children (who need you). This yoga work is haaaaaard. And I couldn't do it without you. Namaste. And sweet dreams!!

Yoga Tales from Rural Maine: Bedtime

On Thursday night, I taught my first Yoga with Naomi bedtime yoga class to the inpatient kids at Acadia Hospital in Bangor. Acadia Hospital serves children and adults with mental health needs, and these children all live in the hospital. One of them had been there for three months.

None of the children were forced to come. They each chose on their own. There were six children, four girls and two boys. The youngest was four years old; the oldest were sixteen. Two of them were dressed in scrubs. One had an arm striped with cuts from wrist to elbow. One of them, the littlest, didn't want to take off his Batman flip-flops. I said that was okay. I said everything was okay.

For 45 minutes, these children had peace and kindness. They were brave and curious. Some were silent and big-eyed. Others tested the boundaries. Everything they did or said or asked for or felt during our time together was okay with me. Everything.

There was no other staff in the room. Just me and these kids. I met each challenge with softness, with sincerity. "I am here to help you keep yourself safe on your mat," I said. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And I will do my best to notice if something doesn't seem right for you, but you are the only one who can really know if a movement or a moment is okay. Notice how you feel. And stop or change or ask for help if something doesn't feel right. That's your practice."

The most oppositional child, a nine-year-old girl, tall for her age, pushed back a lot. She complained about the brand of crayons; she expressed resistance, vocally and with her body throughout the first half of the class. And everything she did was okay. Everything. I met all of her resistance with warmth and kindness.

About half-way through, she began to soften. She interrupted my instruction to ask, "Do you know pretzel pose?"

"I don't think I know that one," I said. "Would you like to teach me?"

And she and another girl jumped up and taught me and the rest of the class "pretzel pose," which is a kids' version of Eagle Pose.

"Wonderful!" I said. "I love that one. Do you know any more?"

And they taught us two different kinds of pranayama (breathwork), which they know by other names.

"That's so good!," I said. "You know some beautiful yoga. Do you have another yoga teacher?"

"No," she said. "We learned in Coping Skills."

Yoga is being woven into the lives of these children at the hospital, not just by me, but by other practitioners; even when it is not called "yoga," yoga skills help kids (and all of us) to cope, to heal, to be.

Outside the room, other children were suffering. There was screeching, screaming, an interminable cry of anguish that went on and on and on and on.

But inside our room, it was more quiet and safe. It was peaceful and creative and fun.

"I'm here to help you feel peaceful at bedtime," I said.

"Bedtime is hard," said a nine-year-old boy. "Because that's when the bad things happened..."

My heart clenched. Bedtime is when the bad things happened. To this sweet, brave, bright, outgoing child. With painted fingernails and an endearing smile. The bad things happened at bedtime. And now he is here.

I took a deep breath. Breathing helps. But I never let my gaze leave his eyes. There are no words for a moment like that. So I made an instinctive, warm noise, a sort of compassionate hum. And I nodded. "I am here," I said. "I am here with you...would you like to make a bedtime wish?"

And he said, yes, he would. Everyone said yes, they would like to make a bedtime wish. I gave everyone a stuffed animal, a Beanie Baby, to hold--this little boy chose a ram because he enjoyed it's articulated legs. Each child also had two butterfly scarves to use during practice, and he wrapped his ram safely in one scarf, swaddling and snuggling it.

The kids got comfortable and safe on their mats. Gentle music played. I talked to them. And I moved around the room, inviting each child to close their eyes, to breath, and to focus on their wish. Then I spritzed "magic bedtime spray," (lavender water) around them (first asking permission each time) and then they opened their eyes and blew "pixie dust" out of my palm, to seal the wish, and then I sprinkled pixie dust on their resting bodies.

Every single child made a wish. Even the teenagers.

Before she left, the little girl who had been so oppositional in the beginning asked me, "Did I disrupt this group?"

"No, darling," I said, with full sincerity. "You were just right."

She smiled a big smile and glittering slightly from the pixie dust, she took away all the gifts I had given her: a picture to color, a brand new box of crayons, even the name tag she made for herself out of construction paper...and, I hope, the gift of a little more peace and safety at bedtime.

Fire Fighting Tales from Rural Maine: Weight

When I started at Fire Academy, I weighed the same as this guy...so, yeah. This was me. You would not believe the crap I can do or how long I can do it with 276 pounds on my frame! And you can now possibly understand why I got excited when I lost 17 pounds early on in my Academy journey! You can't shrink the size of your gear, but if you can take 17 pounds of excess weight off your body...you can carry more handtools more easily. ;-)

Photo courtesy of Professional Fire Fighters of Concord, NH.

Yoga and Fire Fighting Tales from Rural Maine: I did it!!!

On the first Wednesday in May of 2013, I was voted in as the newest member of the all-volunteer Orland Fire Department. I was lonely, frightened, sick, sad and suffering from PTSD. I was so frightened all the time that I struggled to leave my house. 

The notion that I could ever ascend to the ranks of interior firefighter seemed about as likely as my landing on Mars. For the first two years, I had to serve side-by-side with the woman responsible for my trauma. But I never quit. And then she left. And in the year that followed, I blossomed. Removed from the stress of that trauma trigger, I completed my EVOC training (which means I can drive fire trucks) and then I went on to tackle the vigorous, intense interior fire fighter training at the Hancock County Fire Academy. That training has beaten the crap out of me. And I still have three training weekends to go before I graduate from the Academy, but last night (almost three years to the day that I began this journey) my Chief told me that Marcus and I have now completed the minimum requirements for our department. 

No matter what happens from here on out, I am an interior certified fire fighter with the Orland Fire Department!! So put that in your pipe and smoke it! (But then dispose of your smoking materials safely.) :-)

I totally DID it!!! Namaste. (And thank you for believing in me.)

Photo courtesy of the Ellsworth American.

Yoga and Fire Fighting Tales from Rural Maine: Believe

Three years ago today (May 13, 2016), I apparently donned my turnout gear for the first time, went for a ride in our tanker, felt what it's like to send water out of a hose...and apparently, I liked it. (A lot!) Here's what I posted on Facebook that day: :-)I suspect this was one of the first appearances of the "shit-eating grin" my chief has come to know me for.

Best. Training. EVER!!!! Sadly, no photos this time, but: first time in structure fire turnout gear, first time running pump truck (yay, physics--thank you Mr. Bradford!), first time riding in tanker truck, first time at pump house, and the crowning glory...first time at the end of a hose!! Screw bungie jumping. You want a thrill? Latch onto the end of a fire hose and lean into a friend. My arms feel like jelly, but I am happy as a clam--a clam that fights fires!

I keep thinking that becoming an interior firefighter came out of left field, but apparently I've been loving it since the very first second.

My first time on the nozzle.

I keep thinking that that girl--the three-years-ago-living-in-trauma girl--who joined the Orland Fire Department would never believe that I am actually standing here today, a bona fide interior fire fighter with Orland, about to complete Fire Academy and potentially about to become a state certified Fire Fighter I and II.

But...I also know that you don't get what you hope for, you get what you *believe.*

So, at some level, there *must* have been a part of me, even when I was broken and afraid (of everything!), that *believed* this was possible. Isn't that amazing? That underneath all of that life-or-death fear of the daily basics, underneath all of my physical illness, injury, and weakness; underneath all of the trauma; there was a part of me who believed she could rise up and accomplish something that at that moment seemed (to everyone, I'm sure) impossible. (I bet that's the same part of me that got into and through Smith College, when going to college was among the most deeply unlikely things for a girl born into my circumstances to do.)

I was also lucky enough to have a few friendly fire fighters around me, who believed it even better than me. Lt. Dave Sukeforth, chief among them. He was the first to suggest that I should go to the Academy this winter, and the fiercest advocate for getting me in. I have never understood why Dave (or anyone else) thought I could do the Academy...but if Dave hadn't insisted, I'm not sure I ever would have tried. When my own belief was thin on the ground, the belief of others filled in the gaps. If you have a dream my friends, finding and trusting as many pairs of believing eyes as you can manifest is essential. **It's the belief that makes wishes powerful.**

With four of my staunchest OFD supporters after we made a convertible. :-)

Marcus joined the OFD and sixty days later, he was at the Academy. It took me 2 1/2 years to get to that same starting point, but we did it together. And I think if he hadn't joined the department when he did, I might never have gone. Knowing he would be there made it possible to begin. The timing of his decision to join was a tremendous gift to me. (And when I felt like I might have to quit the Academy because I just couldn't take the abuse any more, he told me that if I had to quit, he would sign up and do the whole thing over again with me, because he knew I could get through.)

With Marcus and the original Company One.

But, I didn't quit. I did the opposite of quitting. When faced with a choice between quitting and standing up for myself, I made the radical (for me) choice to stand up for myself and ask for change. Fear + courage = progress.

And now...it's almost over. Tomorrow, the roller coaster reaches its peak and we start zooming down toward the end of fire academy. Two classroom days of haz mat. Followed by two days of OFD obligations (and studying). Then two more days to study as much as possible. Then Friday, another live interior burn, Saturday forestry work (lots of digging in the sun), and Sunday, our grand finale...our Open Day, when we'll run through the practical end test (where we try to remember every single thing we've learned to do)...and then my classmates and teachers will roast some meat for eating...and the next day, Monday, I'll teach at Acadia and then sit for my State FF I & II exam...

...three years and ten days after I (very enthusiastically) first donned my turnout gear. :-)

If you have a dream, listen not to the constant radio chatter of voices broadcasting reasons you can't; especially don't listen to the ones inside your own head. Listen instead to that one faithful voice inside you that says, "Yes. I believe you can."